The Cautious Kinkster

If you feel violated or abused by me, I welcome being called out in public. I will answer for what happened and take responsibility for my actions.

Victims and survivors of abuse deserve the chance to confront their attackers openly and with the support of the kink community behind them. Even years later.

Those on the other side deserve a chance to publicly take responsibility for their actions. They deserve a chance to change.

Dominants, tops, or anyone else who holds power over another -- tell the world that supporting victims and survivors is more important than a fear of false accusations. It will only cost a small fraction of ones privilege.


"I _have_ been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence." -- Turanga Leela, Futurama


I'm the Demon, Kia. I write & comment about lots of stuff.
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I also contribute to the Free Open Society Project:

Minion applications now accepted. Also seeking muse & amanuensis. Must be willing to wear a pink uniform. Probably leotard-based uniforms.
Posts tagged "munches"
…so many…BDSMers would rather align themselves with systematic abuse than question the sanctity of their groups….

…Those numbers are even worse than victim self-reports of rape in the general population; which the New York Times reports as about 20% based on a study supported by the National Institute of Justice….

…The best data we have shows that a third of kinksters have experienced a consent violation, 30% of kinksters have had their negotiated limits violated and 15% have their safeword ignored….

Fetlife has a monopoly in its space. People don’t use Fetlife because it’s awesome, easy to use, convenient and well managed. People use Fetlife for the same reason I used to go to munches full of unpleasant occasionally invasive and creepy people with whom I had nothing in common outside of BDSM: It is the only game in town.

This is cross-posted from this thread on Fetlife regarding many community members’ desire to change the policy preventing users from posting any identifying information, including usernames, of people they claim are abusers or rapists. Currently, if anyone publicly posts a “criminal accusation” the Fetlife team will go in and remove any and all information identifying the accused. Many people have responded in favor of the current policy, claiming that people should not be able to throw out accusations “willy-nilly” and that “criminal accusations are the job of the police.” Here is my response to that:

Here is what makes me certain that people in favor of maintaining the rules that abusers should not be named in public are full of UTTER SHIT and are only here to cover their own asses and because they are afraid of getting called out on their own questionable behavior.

Let’s say we actually do have someone who is your mythical “false accuser” and just holds a petty grudge and wants to blast a person’s name in the worst way possible.
If everyone is following the rules, that person could just private message all of their friends saying “hey this guy raped me, please let fellow community members know.” The message could just get passed along. In this scenario, the accused would have NO WAY of knowing that they are being accused of something, and suddenly everyone would be avoiding them for what seems to be no reason. Furthermore, there would be no public forum for people who know the accused and can vouch for their good behavior to speak up and let everyone know that the accusation is probably false. Even if some people who receive the message about the accused know that it is false, they have no way of knowing who else has gotten the message and therefore no easy way of spreading the word that it is a lie. On the other hand, let’s say someone accuses a person in a public forum. The accused can then see what is going on, who is accusing them, and respond in their own defense. People who know the accused is not a rapist can speak up against the accuser. Everything will be out in the open in a way people can discuss and come to their own conclusions about the matter.

Now let’s say that there is a community member who is actually a predator, and someone wants to spread the word. They could do so through private messages, like described above. However, there is then no way to know how many people in the community they may have also abused; if someone gets the message has also been abused by the accused, they may commiserate with the person who sent the message, but not be able to gather further data on the breadth of the abuse the accused has committed. On the other hand, if someone accuses an abuser in a public forum, others who may have been previously afraid to speak up may do so, and the abuser’s patterns of predation may be fully realized.

So, you see, putting accusations in a public forum is BOTH better for the innocent AND worse for the guilty, and to try to suggest otherwise reveals you as someone who is probably trying to silence people from calling you out on YOUR shit.

Also, for everyone saying “just go to the police” ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Are you willingly ignorant of the stories of people in the kink community who have been raped? If you know anything aboutrape statistics you know that less than 7% of rapists reported to the police spend a single day in jail, and that is after a long, re-traumatizing process for the victim. Most rape statistics are likely under-reported anyway, and if you add a kink element to the equations the numbers get lower. I have had several personal friends who DID try to report it to the police, who were straight-up told that they were lying and/or that they couldn’t get a conviction based on the evidence even if they tried.
Basically it works like this: Are the victim and the accused in a relationship, or recently ended a relationship? No conviction. Did the victim consent to certain acts but not others? No conviction. Was the victim seen being flirtatious/friendly/happy with the victim in any context? No conviction. Does the victim have pictures/video of themselves in a kink context on the internet? No conviction (go ahead and read about Fetlife’s horrendous security issues to see the irony on that one)
If you haven’t been living under a rock your entire life, or perhaps if your male privilege is emblazoned on your forehead, you know that our criminal justice system does shit for rape victims. And as rape victims have realized in response, the best, if not ONLY, way to truly protect our community is keep tabs on each other and let each other know who to be careful with. The law will not protect us, so we have to protect each other, and for Fetlife to hinder us from best protecting each other is absolutely criminal.

Over the years I’ve been hanging out there, I’ve encountered hordes of clueless FetLifers after clueless FL’ers, wandering around, posting identifying information, disclosing to one & all their inability to be ‘out’ & equally clueless about the risk they’re taking. & when the lack of privacy is pointed out? Defensively arguing how ‘kinksters take care of their own’ & ‘FetLife is safe!’ & pointing to all that gobbledy-gook in the TOU / Community Guidelines / Privacy Policy as ‘proof’ of how ‘secure’ & ‘private’ FL is . …. .

Here’s the bit that pinches my butt about FetLife’s lack of privacy: FL’s business model (stated rather more nakedly than FL mgmt states it) is predicated on getting its user-base to disgorge as much personal data as possible, particularly in the form of pictures (which drive quite a bit of the free membership inflow — free kinky porn! woohoo!) & in the form of videos (for which it charges a premium membership fee for access). That they ‘tickle’ as much content out as possible while playing down the very public nature of the site (‘free membership is our firewall’ seems to be mgmt’s mantra) to the rubes, er, users of the service, that bothers me. It’s all a little shady, a little hucksterish, for my tastes. It lacks the ‘fully informed consent’ that I like, & that is supposed to be one of the primary shared values of out-&-organized kink ‘community’ (such as that is).

What I’d like to see is highly unlikely, given that whole built-in business-based conflict of interest previously mentioned, but I’d like to see something more like:

  • "Hey, by posting content to FetLife you expose yourself to anyone who opens a free account here. We’d like if it were just us kinksters, but those after the lulz may access large amounts of the content our users post any time they want & post it anywhere on the internet & there’s not a heck of a lot we can do to stop that. We do try to clean up messes after they happen, but we can’t keep the messes from happening.’

This sorta ‘privacy disclaimer’ would seem to do a lot more good than that endless page of gobbledy-gook they’ve got, the one that slyly implies much greater ‘security’, ‘privacy’, & etc than TeamFL (or pretty much any commercial entity) is capable of delivering. Here, another suggested ‘privacy warning for FL’:

  • "Here’s the thing, fellow FetLifers, this being the internet & all, there’s really nothing we can do to stop the /b/tards from 4chan, the lulz chasers from SomethingAwful, or worse coming along & mining this place for material. We’ll stop it when we find it, but if it’s going to bother you or be a problem to have that kind of thing happen, you should keep your contributions to a minimum. & keep in mind that there may very well be a ‘People of Walmart’ type [private] mailing list out there that’s showcasing FL’s specialness right this moment."

But I think FL mgmt is way more concerned with keeping the picture- & video-posting tap fully open rather than slow any of that info disgorgement down at all . … . ..

This is the second SomethingAwful thread poking fun of FetLife content.

Here’s the take-down letter FL honchos sent to Something Awful, as reposted by SA somebodies (???). I particularly note this bit:

…3) Please never make fun of the site, I repeat, the site Don’t do it now or ever.

Chasing around the internet in pursuit of squashing out the making-fun-of-FL’ers strikes me as a full time job & a half. Sounds like it might be pretty sucky to be FL mgmt, frankly, since they’re committed to enabling the many naive types wandering around FL, thinking that FL is ‘safe’, ‘secure’, ‘private’, ‘protected’, ‘just us kinksters’, & similar.

I don’t know if this should have a trigger warning or what it would be. But, yeah.

So. I’ma tell a little story about one of my first experiences in the kink community. It’s icky and painful, and it doesn’t make me proud in any way, but this is the sort of stuff that’s been running through my head non stop since I recently reentered the conversation about consent and abuse and such.

This isn’t a story about busted consent, or assault, or rape, or any of that. It’s about something much more mundane, much more trivial, and something that probably happens every damn day.

This is a story about mid-scene renegotiation. And I think it’s gonna have to be a short one, ‘cause I’ve been sitting here for half an hour not being able to write past this point because it comes with ALL the emotions.

This story takes place in the small towns and hills of northern California, away from the big cities and well lit dungeons with all their fancy rules and protocols and celebrity presenters.

It takes place on someone’s bed. At their indoor/outdoor kink party out in the hills. He’d been to my parties in Chico, and I’d met him at another garage dungeon party in different backwoods locale where he gave me my very first flogging. He was the first male top I’d ever met. We’d played together multiple times, him as top and me as bottom. We’d even gone on an ice cream date. He flat out told me he had “a sexual interest” in me.

So I guess this is why he thought it was acceptable to tie me to his bed (play space was extremely limited at the party so that part didn’t seem unusual at all) and give me long extended sensation play around my clothes, then when I’m all nice and spacey, ask me if I’d suck his dick with a condom on.

Okay, so this is where it gets personally embarrassing for me. I thought that was standard operating procedure. At this point I’d already been to Sindulgences, a now defunct private residence dungeon near Sacramento. And the general trend I’d seen there was male doms beating on female subs and then getting their dick sucked afterward.

I didn’t really like this paradigm, but I have a hard time saying no, and hey - he did offer to use a condom, right? So it’s not like there’s a disease risk, and all I’m gonna lose is a half hour of my time and dignity. I’ve suffered through much worse. And maybe I did owe him that - after all, he’d played with me maybe half a dozen times at this point. Quid pro quo, right?

So I did it. And I hated myself (and him) the entire time. And I never said a word.

I never went back, either. Never talked to him again. Just got real distant, real fast.

Now I expect all sorts of people are gonna jump on my ass and say “Look! She didn’t say ‘No’! Here she is all these years later accusing this dude of this thing when she had the chance at the time. Look - he even GAVE her the chance. He asked, right? Politely, at that.”

To all you people, I just want to issue an utterly sincere “FUCK YOU” straight from the bottom of my heart. Go to hell and die. Because yes, I’m fucked up. Yes, I have an EXTREMELY difficult time with verbal communication and confrontation. Especially when I’m feeling all sexy and subby and shit. Or when I’m afraid. Or confused. Or shocked. Or all of the above.

But ya know? That’s why we DON’T negotiate for sex in the middle of BDSM scenes. That’s why we do it up front. So people who might not be in the best condition to give affirmative consent aren’t pressured to do so in the heat of the moment.

By the way, this whole group of people throwing these outdoor parties in the sticks? In my not so charitable moments, I privately call them the Deliverance Doms, because they’re downright scary in that creeping horror movie sort of way. (I’ve also played with this fellow’s wife, who seems to think safewords are a cute joke. Other reports confirm this experience.)

Lesson learned? I now know which parties to avoid, and so do my closest friends.

Everyone else? Well, you’re just gonna have to learn the hard way. ‘Cause, you know, false accusations and shit can ruin lives. And we couldn’t possibly have that.

…1. Let new people know the scene is dangerous. Newcomers shouldn’t be hearing “BDSM is all about consent.” Newcomers should be hearing “BDSM should be all about consent, but there are a few people here who won’t respect that, and we don’t know who they are.” We shouldn’t be teaching new people to relax and take it all in stride; we should be teaching them to be wary as hell. I’d rather feel like I’m scaring people off than feel like I’m luring them in.
2. But don’t assume all newcomers are only potential victims; newbie education should also include teaching people how not to become perpetrators….:
a) It may, in fact, prevent some of them from becoming abusers.
b) Seeing things from the other side may make them better at recognizing abuse.
c) It takes away the “I didn’t know that was a problem” excuse in a hurry….

…I don’t need the public scene for me. I don’t need the orgs and the parties. The cops are not going to come knocking on my door and look for a singletail or check my wife’s body for bruises. Where and how I live, with the class and race and other privileges that go with it and all that, you can tell me to worry all you want, but I won’t. I tell doctors about my kinks if I need to for complete medical treatment, and I just expect them to act like a professional about it, even if I have no idea if they’re kink-friendly: they’re more afraid of me than I am of them. (They’re right to be.) So … it’s not for me. I can close my doors and play with my spouse the way I like to play and the chances that the outside world will be able to influence that are really small.
People are being raped, and groped and fondled without consent, being coerced and pressured to do things they don’t want to do at clubs and parties, and it’s not me and it’s not my spouse. But I care that it happens. I could shut my door and play the way I like and ignore all that, but that’s what entitled privileged douches do with their privilege when they don’t care about justice. That’s “I got mine, Jack.” That’s not the right thing to do. I try to tell my kids to do the right thing, even if it’s hard, so I need to expect that of myself or I’m no much of an example. The right thing is to speak when something wrong is going on and to raise my voice until I can’t raise it any more, or until speaking up makes a difference….