The Cautious Kinkster

If you feel violated or abused by me, I welcome being called out in public. I will answer for what happened and take responsibility for my actions.

Victims and survivors of abuse deserve the chance to confront their attackers openly and with the support of the kink community behind them. Even years later.

Those on the other side deserve a chance to publicly take responsibility for their actions. They deserve a chance to change.

Dominants, tops, or anyone else who holds power over another -- tell the world that supporting victims and survivors is more important than a fear of false accusations. It will only cost a small fraction of ones privilege.


"I _have_ been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence." -- Turanga Leela, Futurama


I'm the Demon, Kia. I write & comment about lots of stuff.
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I also contribute to the Free Open Society Project:

Minion applications now accepted. Also seeking muse & amanuensis. Must be willing to wear a pink uniform. Probably leotard-based uniforms.
Posts tagged "kink community"

…attacking women who are defenseless makes it less likely that a perpetrator will be apprehended or experience any consequences as a result of his actions. These men are the ultimate opportunists. What might also come into play are negative stereotypes about women who drink. Other research has shown that women who drink are often seen as more sexually available than women who do not drink. They may also be seen in generally negative or derogatory ways — as sluts, unfeminine, or generally not worthy of respect — which may provide an excuse for attacking women sexually.”

Given that staff rarely intervened, suggesting that this is normative and generally accepted behavior in bars, both Graham and Norris had suggestions for changes that could be made at a bar level.

"It may help to avoid having male security staff who particularly endorse masculinity norms and asserting identity," said Graham.

"Signs can also be posted in the bar and restrooms indicating that ‘bad’ behavior, complete with examples, will not be tolerated and that perpetrators will have to leave the premises," said Norris. "A necessary component of this approach is to train staff to intervene: first, a warning, but if the behavior persists, the person will be asked or forced to leave. Men have to be given clear messages that there will be consequences for this type of behavior if we expect men to change. Conversely, the onus should not be placed on women for ‘preventing’ sexual assault. That said, women can often reduce their risk by clearly and firmly letting a man know that his behavior is not wanted or appreciated or seen as acceptable as soon as he commits an unwanted sexual act." Graham added that women can also vote with their feet by refusing to frequent establishments where sexual aggression is highly invasive or frequent.

Changes also need to occur at a societal level, added Norris. “There need to be clear messages to men about the inappropriateness of any type of sexual aggression. In addition, women need to learn to overcome messages they may have received early in life about being deferential or not wanting to cause embarrassment or ‘create a scene.’ Women need to be taught to stand up for themselves, to recognize that a sexually aggressive man is someone who has a problem and the onus should be placed on him to stop his unacceptable behavior.”

…The fact that these men felt they were doing nothing wrong is precisely the problem. The fact that for generations, men of all ages have felt able to use and abuse the bodies of women and children for their own entertainment is the problem, and the fact that our culture legitimises this approach is a bigger problem. 

For centuries, men in positions of power were untouchable, while women and children were anything but. One simply could not call a man like Jimmy Savile or Stuart Hall to account for his actions and expect to be taken seriously. One could not accuse a popular football player of rape and expect justice.  These things went on, but they went on in silence, with the complicity and of quiet armies of flunkies and facilitators.

The reason that these “old men” are being prosecuted – sorry, “persecuted” – right now is simple. They are being prosecuted because their victims are finally coming forward, and their victims are finally coming forward because society has reached a tipping point when it comes to rape culture. 

Rape culture, for those who still require an explanation, is the cultural tolerance of rape and sexual assault. It’s the idea that people who are raped must have in some way provoked it, and I know from experience that it can take years for victims to understand that it is men’s responsibility not to rape. It’s an old prejudice, embedded in our institutions, in our police forces and judiciary systems, in political parties and in public organisations like the BBC. It also infects the tabloid and broadsheet press, who have changed their tune in recent weeks only because the process of consciousness-raising is panic-inducing, and there’s nothing the media loves more than a good panic. 

Right now, though, things are changing, and men and boys and those who love and respect men and boys are going to have to shift the way they think about rape, abuse and harrassment – fast. The most important attitude change is going to take place not among abusers, but among the far larger contingent who simply stand by and let it happen. Among the people who have been taught, or learned from hard experience, that these things are simply part of the tissue of power in this society, perhaps not strictly moral, but not worth taking the risk of speaking out about. They’re only women, after all, and they were probably asking for it.

For many, many generations, women and children were told: don’t let yourself get raped, and if you do, for god’s sake don’t whinge about it. Don’t act like a slut. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t ever assume for a second that you have the same right as a man to exist in public or private space without fear of assault and humiliation. That message is slowly, finally, starting to change, so that instead, we’re telling men and boys: do not rape. Do not grope, assault, bully or hurt women, children or anyone over whom you have temporary power. Doing so will no longer increase your social status. If you do it anyway, you will find yourself publicly shamed and possibly up on criminal charges. This is the age of the internet, and nobody forgets….

…FetLife wants you to believe their walled garden is safe, but not only can anyone create an account in seconds, the walls themselves are full of holes. The security problems with FetLife were put on display when last summer, a simple proxy connection service was set up to allow access to the site without an account. FetLife responded by trying to block the server and assure everyone that the bad person had been stopped, without actually fixing the security holes. This preference for spin over reality is commonplace at FetLife and its allies. For example, I tried to talk to Alan, Esq., one of the leaders of the NCSF, at CatalystCon in March about the FAADE tool. Instead, he went off on a rant about this supposed hack and how fishy a person Maymay was, and loudly declared he had no idea why Maymay did what he did. Really, I said? Because Maymay has been very transparent about it on his blog. It quickly became apparent that Alan had no idea what I was talking about, no any desire to educate himself.[3] Let’s be real. Maymay did this with the express purpose of showing that FetLife was insecure, all the while live-tweeting the event. This is how people who work to expose security flaws so they can be fixed operate, not how hackers opperate. But don’t take my word for it:

“Nobody ‘hacked’ FetLife,” says Yonatan Zunger, chief architect of Google’s social network Google Plus, when we explain the situation. “No locks were picked; someone simply noticed that FetLife never locked the door in the first place.”…

…Those numbers are even worse than victim self-reports of rape in the general population; which the New York Times reports as about 20% based on a study supported by the National Institute of Justice….

…The best data we have shows that a third of kinksters have experienced a consent violation, 30% of kinksters have had their negotiated limits violated and 15% have their safeword ignored….

…if we continue to track spam reports this way, assuming that the publication of this post doesn’t change griefers’ future behaviors, we will eventually see the pattern described above repeat. That is, we’ll see the friends of an alleged abuser start to spam FAADE by reporting themselves with griefer reports. If this hypothesis can be proven, it may provide a far more reliable red flag for identifying social groups where consent violations are likely to be covered up rather than addressed constructively.

Those social groups are, to put it politely, not places where I would want to spend much time….

…While the scene’s mantra—“safe, sane and consensual”—is heard so often it might as well be translated into needlepoint, violations of these maxims are common. In the last year, hundreds of people have come forward to describe the abuse they’ve suffered within the scene….


BDSM Scene power brokers are doing everything they know how to silence discussions of the rampant rapes, sexual assaults, and violations of consent in their midst (especially by high-profile, VIP-status people), to censor postings linking to critique, and to prevent important safety and privacy information from spreading.

Over the past several weeks, I’ve been sent more than five different Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) takedown notices for videos I’ve made and posts I’ve written criticizing the “single largest online organ in the BDSM universe,” (aka BitLove, Inc.). Moreover, as of this writing, most of my counter-notices were allowed to proceed unchallenged, a tacit acknowledgement that FetLife is well aware their DMCA takedown notices were improper and that my material was all either non-infringing or fair use. The majority of my content is now back online.

As I recently wrote, the BDSM Scene is an abusive social institution. I believe its institutional structures ought be destroyed as quickly and as mercilessly as possible. No institution deserves loyalty, no demographic compassion, no organization trust, no culture respect. But every person is entitled to each of these.

Since the BDSM Scene’s powers that be have economic incentives to support rape culture, to perpetuate technical ignorance, and to erode Internet user privacy, I’ve begun writing computer code to provide users self-empowering tools. This is an effort to break through the “somebody else’s problem” mindset, and an attempt to show that, on the Internet, users—not institutions—can be in control of our own well-being if we work together.

Volunteers are needed to help write code, beta test new tools (such as those linked below), brainstorm new ideas, and generally disrupt the BDSM Scene-State’s abusive functioning. The game is cat-and-mouse; the goal is to spread this information before Scene-State agents censor it, to implement as many tools empowering users as possible, with or without BDSM Scene permission or assistance. Every reblog counts. Every link shared matters.


The free FetLife Epic Thread user script gives threaded comments.

The FetLife Epic Thread user script makes reading long, passionate discussions on easier by adding comment threading for @-replies, a “previous/next” link for related comments, and visual highlights. Instead of needing to scroll past a bunch of unrelated comments, simply click the “Next in thread on page” link to go to the next comment in the thread. Rather than having to scroll up or copy-and-paste to see what a comment is replying to, click the “in reply to” link to see the original comment right under your cursor.

Download and install from

See also:

Fetlife has a monopoly in its space. People don’t use Fetlife because it’s awesome, easy to use, convenient and well managed. People use Fetlife for the same reason I used to go to munches full of unpleasant occasionally invasive and creepy people with whom I had nothing in common outside of BDSM: It is the only game in town.

This is cross-posted from this thread on Fetlife regarding many community members’ desire to change the policy preventing users from posting any identifying information, including usernames, of people they claim are abusers or rapists. Currently, if anyone publicly posts a “criminal accusation” the Fetlife team will go in and remove any and all information identifying the accused. Many people have responded in favor of the current policy, claiming that people should not be able to throw out accusations “willy-nilly” and that “criminal accusations are the job of the police.” Here is my response to that:

Here is what makes me certain that people in favor of maintaining the rules that abusers should not be named in public are full of UTTER SHIT and are only here to cover their own asses and because they are afraid of getting called out on their own questionable behavior.

Let’s say we actually do have someone who is your mythical “false accuser” and just holds a petty grudge and wants to blast a person’s name in the worst way possible.
If everyone is following the rules, that person could just private message all of their friends saying “hey this guy raped me, please let fellow community members know.” The message could just get passed along. In this scenario, the accused would have NO WAY of knowing that they are being accused of something, and suddenly everyone would be avoiding them for what seems to be no reason. Furthermore, there would be no public forum for people who know the accused and can vouch for their good behavior to speak up and let everyone know that the accusation is probably false. Even if some people who receive the message about the accused know that it is false, they have no way of knowing who else has gotten the message and therefore no easy way of spreading the word that it is a lie. On the other hand, let’s say someone accuses a person in a public forum. The accused can then see what is going on, who is accusing them, and respond in their own defense. People who know the accused is not a rapist can speak up against the accuser. Everything will be out in the open in a way people can discuss and come to their own conclusions about the matter.

Now let’s say that there is a community member who is actually a predator, and someone wants to spread the word. They could do so through private messages, like described above. However, there is then no way to know how many people in the community they may have also abused; if someone gets the message has also been abused by the accused, they may commiserate with the person who sent the message, but not be able to gather further data on the breadth of the abuse the accused has committed. On the other hand, if someone accuses an abuser in a public forum, others who may have been previously afraid to speak up may do so, and the abuser’s patterns of predation may be fully realized.

So, you see, putting accusations in a public forum is BOTH better for the innocent AND worse for the guilty, and to try to suggest otherwise reveals you as someone who is probably trying to silence people from calling you out on YOUR shit.

Also, for everyone saying “just go to the police” ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Are you willingly ignorant of the stories of people in the kink community who have been raped? If you know anything aboutrape statistics you know that less than 7% of rapists reported to the police spend a single day in jail, and that is after a long, re-traumatizing process for the victim. Most rape statistics are likely under-reported anyway, and if you add a kink element to the equations the numbers get lower. I have had several personal friends who DID try to report it to the police, who were straight-up told that they were lying and/or that they couldn’t get a conviction based on the evidence even if they tried.
Basically it works like this: Are the victim and the accused in a relationship, or recently ended a relationship? No conviction. Did the victim consent to certain acts but not others? No conviction. Was the victim seen being flirtatious/friendly/happy with the victim in any context? No conviction. Does the victim have pictures/video of themselves in a kink context on the internet? No conviction (go ahead and read about Fetlife’s horrendous security issues to see the irony on that one)
If you haven’t been living under a rock your entire life, or perhaps if your male privilege is emblazoned on your forehead, you know that our criminal justice system does shit for rape victims. And as rape victims have realized in response, the best, if not ONLY, way to truly protect our community is keep tabs on each other and let each other know who to be careful with. The law will not protect us, so we have to protect each other, and for Fetlife to hinder us from best protecting each other is absolutely criminal.


TW: Discussion of racism

i’ve probably opened, written, and then closed the tab a thousand times. 

do i really want my email address attached to this site?- i kept asking myself

its a small small world out there- an excuse as to why it didn’t seem like a good idea

but finally, out of curiosity, i caved and hit the submit button on fetlife’s sign up page. 

i immediately hit the groups tab, hoping to find groups that catered toward people of color. sadly, one of the first things i found was a group made by an obvious white supremacist troll. somebody who had taken the liberty of intersecting submissive/BDSM rhetoric into blatant violent racism via the creation of troll groups with deeply fucked up names, someone who’s page reminded me of the kink version of the jim crow museum except not for educational purposes. 

in seeing that i actively threw up my hands and thought “i aint about that life”. i went to the account settings and de-activated my page.  

but my next thought was “why is this shit acceptable? why aren’t their stipulations in the terms and conditions that prevent this kind of shit from happening?” 

granted, this is true of a lot of websites. as i live, breathe, and write i choose to do it on a blog website that upholds “freedom of speech” {or freedom to be fucked up and not accountable} over the safety of others using that site. i know as a black woman blogger i am not protected in the same way as a white girl who wears a native american headdress, gets called out on it, and goes crying to tumblr staff. 

so in theory i shoudn’t expect fetlife to be any different. it caters to a mainstream BDSM community that i’m willing to bet my yearly tuition payments is not all that concerned with radical anti-oppression praxis unless it relates to the sexualities and genders of the white audience that its geared toward. and even on that level i am sure there are ways to slip through the cracks and evade detection as you poison the internet kink world with your bigotry. where there is a will, there is a person with too much time on their hands looking to find a way. 

the problem is that it needs to be different. 

you cannot have truly “safe” communities of any kind until people are doing the same kind of critical work done in social justice communities. you can’t expect to build these kind of intimate and albeit complicated dynamics between human beings if the same problematic isms play out in ways they aren’t intended to.

i mean lets be real, desiring to be a submissive, bottom, or even a “slave” behind closed doors doesn’t mean you want society shitting on your whole life once you leave that designated space. brown people can engage with alternative lifestyles and their communities without bringing the generational trauma of our histories into the fold. and as much as i resist doing this in my own personal life, inter-racial kink relationships can happen so long as white people are being actively anti-racist in those relationships. 

so if you’re a white person who wants to dominate a person of color and has some desire to bring a caricature of that person’s race into the fold, you need to do some long and hard learning and unlearning. you need to ask yourself why this aspect of their history not only entices you on several internal levels, but why you have a need to bring it to life and reinforce that narrative.  

to put it bluntly: white person, why does paddling aunt jemima while she’s bound and gagged make you hot and bothered? why do you get off saying the n-word during a play session? or any of the derogatory slurs levied against black woman past and present for that matter. and even if your partner is comfortable with that sort of thing, better yet tells you to do it, if you don’t immediately get uncomfortable as a white person why is that? are you the type to go along with it or actually sit down and have a critical conversation about what it means to put those dynamics into motion. what does it mean when you as a white person are comfortable engaging in that sort of specific behaviour for satisfaction. does your desire to raceplay reflect patterns of behaviour outside of the kink community? do you tell racist jokes? do you silence the voices of POCs when in conversations about race? do you assert dominance and authority on the sole basis of being white in those conversational spaces? do you make excuses as to why you’re allowed to do X,Y and Z behaviour even after POC tell you its not okay? do you believe in “reverse racism” or “the race card”? 

bottom line: are you the person who says “i’m not a racist” or are you the person who says “i am learning how to be actively anti-racist”. because i’m not going to be the race-play police and say “don’t do it”. but if you’ve never taken any of the above into consideration, you are not what many would call an ally in the making let alone somebody who should be perpetuating race play. you’re the kind of person who would benefit from taking a raceplay time out and starting that learning and unlearning process. 

at the same time it begins on the individual level, it can’t end at the majority white BDSM community “slowly but surely” adopting anti-racist praxis. websites such as fetlife have to be pro-active in making sure it is a safe internet space for people of colour, just as it should be pro-active in making sure its a safe space for all marginalized and oppressed identities. they cannot default to the bylines of “freedom of speech”, “anti-censorship” or “there are brown people on our site who are perfectly fine with white supremacist trolls and people perpetuating racism so why are you complaining?” because all of those things demonstrate a blatant unwillingness to treat us as equal human beings with our need to feel safe upheld in the same way white kinksters’ needs are. it reinforces the same problematic dynamics of race many people of colour work to dismantle, try to escape from when the work day is done, and try very hard not to blend with the arena of themselves reserved for sexual actualization. 

and if this isn’t the case, the kinky POC separatism needs to stop being on the amazon wish list of dreams deferred and become a reality. we need our own fet life where people understand that just as consent is not always sexy, neither is hammering out the dynamics of a kink relationship to ensure mutual respect and safety both physically and emotionally. but it has to be done regardless of how “sexy” it is. we need an anti-oppression internet kink space that recognizes intersectionality as much as it recognises our distinctness as being many under the umbrella term “people of color”. we need books which give us the good word on kinky brown living, and encourage us to never back down in our convictions to want anti-oppression praxis integrated in our kink lives. because we shouldn’t be stopped from crossing the bridge into our growing communities, making connections, and making the sexual magic happen that we want to see in our lives simply because one out of many websites on the internet fails to come correct.