The Cautious Kinkster

If you feel violated or abused by me, I welcome being called out in public. I will answer for what happened and take responsibility for my actions.

Victims and survivors of abuse deserve the chance to confront their attackers openly and with the support of the kink community behind them. Even years later.

Those on the other side deserve a chance to publicly take responsibility for their actions. They deserve a chance to change.

Dominants, tops, or anyone else who holds power over another -- tell the world that supporting victims and survivors is more important than a fear of false accusations. It will only cost a small fraction of ones privilege.


"I _have_ been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence." -- Turanga Leela, Futurama


I'm the Demon, Kia. I write & comment about lots of stuff.
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I also contribute to the Free Open Society Project:

Minion applications now accepted. Also seeking muse & amanuensis. Must be willing to wear a pink uniform. Probably leotard-based uniforms.
Posts tagged "kink"

Accountability. Transparency. A responsible kink ‘community’ should know the whys & wherefores of who stays & who leaves. Knowledge is power, & here’s a data collection tool to help towards that end … .

…That contextualises my experiences with kink. I find it difficult to really be able to exchange power with someone who only understands the operations of power when it involves their personal sexual gratification. I find myself throwing a very critical eye towards individuals who desire power exchanges that mirror or reflect real life oppressive structures or manage to reinforce their own privilege even unintentionally. The personal IS political. Not only do our desires exist outside of a vacuum of critique, but our social interaction with individuals both in and outside of the bedroom matter. I wish there was some way to take the positive aspects of what I see developing within kink concerning power exchange and the respect of the autonomy of individuals outside of the bedroom and into daily interactions. Until then, I’m going to think critically not just about whether or not someone I give my power to respects my safe words, but whether or not they respect ALL of my words.
…Cuomo’s attempt to use suggestions of sexual deviance to bully Knox follows in a long tradition of public entitlement to scrutinize and judge female sexuality. The recent string of highly publicized sexual assaults has exposed how the media weaves narratives in which “drunk party girls” get what they deserve. Meanwhile, comprehensive sex education is stifled in many conservative states lest children become too comfortable with their sexuality….


So, I left the internet for 24 hours, to give myself a breather. 

In the time that happened, this went up:

Oh and this happened

For those of you without a Fetlife?

I’m a newblet. This I know, I am aware, and I bow before (okay, at least a respectful head nod) to those that know more, with longer years of practice and education.

I am well aware I do not know the internal workings of Shibaricon, of the people who work there, and am only slowly getting to know some of the people on this list.

The things I’m scratching my head at?

  • Who the fuck lets a guy with multiple consent violations, or at least allegations thereof, teach?
  • Who the fuck lets a guy with multiple consent violations (or allegations) teach bottoms? 
  • Who the fucks lets a guy with multiple consent violations (or allegations) teach bottoms stupid fucking lack of consent, safety or awareness of even basic things like hydration?

I am new. I am aware of this. But I’m also in my body. I’m a dancer. I’m a musician. I do dynamic fucking suspension, and am learning things like aerial silks. What does that mean? I know my damn body, I know what it needs, and I am aware that all of these things require a certain amount of self care, such as, say, hydration. 

I do not know said presenter in question myself. I did not go to the class he presented. But presenting dangerous misinformation such as not needing to hydrate, or be physically in your body?

To not use CONSENT or emphasize it’s importance, in a community that’s validation to exist, practically, is the fact we are aware and respectful of consent? In fact, to brush that off?

That, in case you could not tell from this frothing at the mouth rant, makes me incredibly angry.

I am new. But this is my community. 

What else have I noticed about this?

This hit K&P with the Shibaricon Concerns posts:

These are posts I have seen increasingly, more and more over the last year. Of people popping up, with more harassment, more violations of consent, and it scares the living fuck out of me, as someone who has had her consent ignored on multiple levels, by multiple people.

The thing I am going to beat until I am blue in the face, that I said already in this post?

Our little subculture, of events and things like Shibaricon, from leathers to rope alike?

Our little subculture exists on the validation that we respect consent, and do not abuse it (and yes, that includes things like abusing people who volunteer for events), because WIIWD are things that people are consenting to. That we are in fact not sick in the head (or if we are, we are in this together) but in fact in want of the things we do, and negotiate around.

I am new. And I have a small voice, that will probably not be heard. But if you don’t respect the basic fact of that consent, which is a problem ongoing? 

Get the hell off my blog.

…The fact that these men felt they were doing nothing wrong is precisely the problem. The fact that for generations, men of all ages have felt able to use and abuse the bodies of women and children for their own entertainment is the problem, and the fact that our culture legitimises this approach is a bigger problem. 

For centuries, men in positions of power were untouchable, while women and children were anything but. One simply could not call a man like Jimmy Savile or Stuart Hall to account for his actions and expect to be taken seriously. One could not accuse a popular football player of rape and expect justice.  These things went on, but they went on in silence, with the complicity and of quiet armies of flunkies and facilitators.

The reason that these “old men” are being prosecuted – sorry, “persecuted” – right now is simple. They are being prosecuted because their victims are finally coming forward, and their victims are finally coming forward because society has reached a tipping point when it comes to rape culture. 

Rape culture, for those who still require an explanation, is the cultural tolerance of rape and sexual assault. It’s the idea that people who are raped must have in some way provoked it, and I know from experience that it can take years for victims to understand that it is men’s responsibility not to rape. It’s an old prejudice, embedded in our institutions, in our police forces and judiciary systems, in political parties and in public organisations like the BBC. It also infects the tabloid and broadsheet press, who have changed their tune in recent weeks only because the process of consciousness-raising is panic-inducing, and there’s nothing the media loves more than a good panic. 

Right now, though, things are changing, and men and boys and those who love and respect men and boys are going to have to shift the way they think about rape, abuse and harrassment – fast. The most important attitude change is going to take place not among abusers, but among the far larger contingent who simply stand by and let it happen. Among the people who have been taught, or learned from hard experience, that these things are simply part of the tissue of power in this society, perhaps not strictly moral, but not worth taking the risk of speaking out about. They’re only women, after all, and they were probably asking for it.

For many, many generations, women and children were told: don’t let yourself get raped, and if you do, for god’s sake don’t whinge about it. Don’t act like a slut. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t ever assume for a second that you have the same right as a man to exist in public or private space without fear of assault and humiliation. That message is slowly, finally, starting to change, so that instead, we’re telling men and boys: do not rape. Do not grope, assault, bully or hurt women, children or anyone over whom you have temporary power. Doing so will no longer increase your social status. If you do it anyway, you will find yourself publicly shamed and possibly up on criminal charges. This is the age of the internet, and nobody forgets….

…FetLife is essentially saying that if you were raped, the onus is on you to ensure a convicition, while if you are accused of rape, you can cry libel, and the website will be all over it to protect you and silence the accuser…

Decent explication of many of the problems of ‘unicorn hunting’. Unicorn hunting is a kink, polyamory, & swinging term referring to the common scenario of couples looking for a ‘hot bi babe’ to form the perfect triad of their dreams. Since such scenarios working out as planned are as rare, or nearly so, as unicorns, the phrase was born . .. …

…so many…BDSMers would rather align themselves with systematic abuse than question the sanctity of their groups….

…Those numbers are even worse than victim self-reports of rape in the general population; which the New York Times reports as about 20% based on a study supported by the National Institute of Justice….

…The best data we have shows that a third of kinksters have experienced a consent violation, 30% of kinksters have had their negotiated limits violated and 15% have their safeword ignored….

…if we continue to track spam reports this way, assuming that the publication of this post doesn’t change griefers’ future behaviors, we will eventually see the pattern described above repeat. That is, we’ll see the friends of an alleged abuser start to spam FAADE by reporting themselves with griefer reports. If this hypothesis can be proven, it may provide a far more reliable red flag for identifying social groups where consent violations are likely to be covered up rather than addressed constructively.

Those social groups are, to put it politely, not places where I would want to spend much time….