The Cautious Kinkster

If you feel violated or abused by me, I welcome being called out in public. I will answer for what happened and take responsibility for my actions.

Victims and survivors of abuse deserve the chance to confront their attackers openly and with the support of the kink community behind them. Even years later.

Those on the other side deserve a chance to publicly take responsibility for their actions. They deserve a chance to change.

Dominants, tops, or anyone else who holds power over another -- tell the world that supporting victims and survivors is more important than a fear of false accusations. It will only cost a small fraction of ones privilege.

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"I _have_ been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence." -- Turanga Leela, Futurama

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I'm the Demon, Kia. I write & comment about lots of stuff.
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apocalyptomania.tumblr.com
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a-world-of-abuse.tumblr.com
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church-of-the-multiverse.tumblr.com
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media-demon.tumblr.com
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move-eat-live.tumblr.com
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poking-the-powers-that-be.tumblr.com
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politi-kia.tumblr.com
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stealthbananas.tumblr.com
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NSFW:
thecautiouskinkster.tumblr.com
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I also contribute to the Free Open Society Project:

freeopensociety.tumblr.com
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Minion applications now accepted. Also seeking muse & amanuensis. Must be willing to wear a pink uniform. Probably leotard-based uniforms.
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Posts tagged "BDSM community"

The FetLife Epic Thread user script makes reading long, passionate discussions on FetLife.com easier by adding comment threading for @-replies, a “previous/next” link for related comments, and visual highlights. Instead of needing to scroll past a bunch of unrelated comments, simply click the “Next in thread on page” link to go to the next comment in the thread. Rather than having to scroll up or copy-and-paste to see what a comment is replying to, click the “in reply to” link to see the original comment right under your cursor….

Since FL management endlessly drag their heels over making the site more useful (seriously, no text search capacities for the endless number of groups render the place an unusable mess, amongst many other problematic design issues), it sure is nice of others (like the much-banned Maymay) to lend a hand with after-ware solutions . .… :D

navigatethestream:

TW: Discussion of racism

i’ve probably opened, written, and then closed the tab a thousand times. 

do i really want my email address attached to this site?- i kept asking myself

its a small small world out there- an excuse as to why it didn’t seem like a good idea

but finally, out of curiosity, i caved and hit the submit button on fetlife’s sign up page. 

i immediately hit the groups tab, hoping to find groups that catered toward people of color. sadly, one of the first things i found was a group made by an obvious white supremacist troll. somebody who had taken the liberty of intersecting submissive/BDSM rhetoric into blatant violent racism via the creation of troll groups with deeply fucked up names, someone who’s page reminded me of the kink version of the jim crow museum except not for educational purposes. 

in seeing that i actively threw up my hands and thought “i aint about that life”. i went to the account settings and de-activated my page.  

but my next thought was “why is this shit acceptable? why aren’t their stipulations in the terms and conditions that prevent this kind of shit from happening?” 

granted, this is true of a lot of websites. as i live, breathe, and write i choose to do it on a blog website that upholds “freedom of speech” {or freedom to be fucked up and not accountable} over the safety of others using that site. i know as a black woman blogger i am not protected in the same way as a white girl who wears a native american headdress, gets called out on it, and goes crying to tumblr staff. 

so in theory i shoudn’t expect fetlife to be any different. it caters to a mainstream BDSM community that i’m willing to bet my yearly tuition payments is not all that concerned with radical anti-oppression praxis unless it relates to the sexualities and genders of the white audience that its geared toward. and even on that level i am sure there are ways to slip through the cracks and evade detection as you poison the internet kink world with your bigotry. where there is a will, there is a person with too much time on their hands looking to find a way. 

the problem is that it needs to be different. 

you cannot have truly “safe” communities of any kind until people are doing the same kind of critical work done in social justice communities. you can’t expect to build these kind of intimate and albeit complicated dynamics between human beings if the same problematic isms play out in ways they aren’t intended to.

i mean lets be real, desiring to be a submissive, bottom, or even a “slave” behind closed doors doesn’t mean you want society shitting on your whole life once you leave that designated space. brown people can engage with alternative lifestyles and their communities without bringing the generational trauma of our histories into the fold. and as much as i resist doing this in my own personal life, inter-racial kink relationships can happen so long as white people are being actively anti-racist in those relationships. 

so if you’re a white person who wants to dominate a person of color and has some desire to bring a caricature of that person’s race into the fold, you need to do some long and hard learning and unlearning. you need to ask yourself why this aspect of their history not only entices you on several internal levels, but why you have a need to bring it to life and reinforce that narrative.  

to put it bluntly: white person, why does paddling aunt jemima while she’s bound and gagged make you hot and bothered? why do you get off saying the n-word during a play session? or any of the derogatory slurs levied against black woman past and present for that matter. and even if your partner is comfortable with that sort of thing, better yet tells you to do it, if you don’t immediately get uncomfortable as a white person why is that? are you the type to go along with it or actually sit down and have a critical conversation about what it means to put those dynamics into motion. what does it mean when you as a white person are comfortable engaging in that sort of specific behaviour for satisfaction. does your desire to raceplay reflect patterns of behaviour outside of the kink community? do you tell racist jokes? do you silence the voices of POCs when in conversations about race? do you assert dominance and authority on the sole basis of being white in those conversational spaces? do you make excuses as to why you’re allowed to do X,Y and Z behaviour even after POC tell you its not okay? do you believe in “reverse racism” or “the race card”? 

bottom line: are you the person who says “i’m not a racist” or are you the person who says “i am learning how to be actively anti-racist”. because i’m not going to be the race-play police and say “don’t do it”. but if you’ve never taken any of the above into consideration, you are not what many would call an ally in the making let alone somebody who should be perpetuating race play. you’re the kind of person who would benefit from taking a raceplay time out and starting that learning and unlearning process. 

at the same time it begins on the individual level, it can’t end at the majority white BDSM community “slowly but surely” adopting anti-racist praxis. websites such as fetlife have to be pro-active in making sure it is a safe internet space for people of colour, just as it should be pro-active in making sure its a safe space for all marginalized and oppressed identities. they cannot default to the bylines of “freedom of speech”, “anti-censorship” or “there are brown people on our site who are perfectly fine with white supremacist trolls and people perpetuating racism so why are you complaining?” because all of those things demonstrate a blatant unwillingness to treat us as equal human beings with our need to feel safe upheld in the same way white kinksters’ needs are. it reinforces the same problematic dynamics of race many people of colour work to dismantle, try to escape from when the work day is done, and try very hard not to blend with the arena of themselves reserved for sexual actualization. 

and if this isn’t the case, the kinky POC separatism needs to stop being on the amazon wish list of dreams deferred and become a reality. we need our own fet life where people understand that just as consent is not always sexy, neither is hammering out the dynamics of a kink relationship to ensure mutual respect and safety both physically and emotionally. but it has to be done regardless of how “sexy” it is. we need an anti-oppression internet kink space that recognizes intersectionality as much as it recognises our distinctness as being many under the umbrella term “people of color”. we need books which give us the good word on kinky brown living, and encourage us to never back down in our convictions to want anti-oppression praxis integrated in our kink lives. because we shouldn’t be stopped from crossing the bridge into our growing communities, making connections, and making the sexual magic happen that we want to see in our lives simply because one out of many websites on the internet fails to come correct.

The Nice Person Syndrome
from: "Anal Pleasure & Health", by Jack Morin (Down There Press, 1998), pages 145-147
…Some of us are strongly influenced by a destructive pattern called the Nice Person Syndrome, which distorts or totally blocks effective communication. The Nice Person Syndrome is an exaggerated role adopted during childhood as a means of getting approval and affection. Nice People are carefully trained to be good boys and girls at all costs. They’re steeped too soon and heavily in the values of unselfishness, cooperation, and pleasing others. They grow up inclined to defer to the wishes of others and to put their own desires in second place, or ignore them all together.
I use the word Nice (capital N) to describe adults who still act like good boys and girls. Such people are often highly intuitive but they use their sensitivity mostly for the purpose of discerning what’s expected of them. They have a profound need to be liked and will violate, if necessary, their own integrity for even the possibility of love and affection. Ironically, they usually are accepted and well-liked, but they’re not satisfied because they know they’ve withheld something of their true identity. As a result, Nice People often live in fear that nobody will ever truly love them — including their imperfections and blemishes. They’re convinced they must be perfect yet they’re constantly and painfully aware that they’re not. Not surprisingly, they often exhibit bodily signs — including anal tension — of an unrelenting inner conflict.
Nice People operate on the basis of one central conviction: The only way to get what I need is to avoid upsetting anyone. They’re usually very good at getting what they want without asking for it, but there’s always something missing. Spontaneity is difficult since each interpersonal exchange is, in a sense, a performance. Keeping up the image requires constant vigilance, since all “bad” qualities — such as anger, selfishness, or competitiveness — must either be squelched, denied, or re-channeled in such a way that they at least _appear_ nice.
I’ve deliberately presented a somewhat exaggerated characterization. But in it you may be able to see aspects of yourself. If so, I suggest that you look more closely at the negative effects this pattern is having on your relationships and sexuality. The impact of the Nice Person Syndrome is typically heightened in the presence of a significant other. This helps explain why some men and women can feel very relaxed and safe when they’re alone, but tense up when they’re with someone. In fact, people who have trouble sharing anal pleasure with a partner when they can easily give it to themselves often discover that playing Nice is getting in the way.
Nice People have trouble making straightforward requests. Instead, they tend to be manipulative, maybe dropping a few hints or else giving what they, in fact, want to get. One of my clients expressed his strategy for getting what he wanted from people as “nicing them into submission.” Nice People believe that if they’re just good enough, others will eventually discern what they want and give it to them. When this doesn’t happen they’re hurt. They would feel angry too — but that’s not Nice.
Nice People are usually “rescuers” who gravitate toward taking care of others. We rescue somebody each time we withhold or distort our true feelings to avoid hurting or upsetting the other person. We do the same thing when we go along with something when we really don’t want to. What we usually don’t realize is that in rescuing others we treat them as helpless victims who can’t take care of themselves. Rescuing, except in instances when someone genuinely needs help, is actually a subtle put-down.
Because Nice People have trouble expressing their desires, they tend to infuse potentially pleasurable situations with obligation and duty. After launching a sexual encounter they may feel compelled to go through with it to the bitter end. This is one reason why making requests and taking breaks is especially important, although at times exceedingly difficult.
All of the experiences suggested here can help you become more cooperatively selfish. Non-manipulative communication is the only way to remain simultaneously in full contact with yourself and your partner. Obviously, if you tune out your partner, touching can become an exercise in alienation. But what many fail to recognize is that if you ignore your own desires and feelings, then you have very little to share….

Over the years I’ve been hanging out there, I’ve encountered hordes of clueless FetLifers after clueless FL’ers, wandering around, posting identifying information, disclosing to one & all their inability to be ‘out’ & equally clueless about the risk they’re taking. & when the lack of privacy is pointed out? Defensively arguing how ‘kinksters take care of their own’ & ‘FetLife is safe!’ & pointing to all that gobbledy-gook in the TOU / Community Guidelines / Privacy Policy as ‘proof’ of how ‘secure’ & ‘private’ FL is . …. .

Here’s the bit that pinches my butt about FetLife’s lack of privacy: FL’s business model (stated rather more nakedly than FL mgmt states it) is predicated on getting its user-base to disgorge as much personal data as possible, particularly in the form of pictures (which drive quite a bit of the free membership inflow — free kinky porn! woohoo!) & in the form of videos (for which it charges a premium membership fee for access). That they ‘tickle’ as much content out as possible while playing down the very public nature of the site (‘free membership is our firewall’ seems to be mgmt’s mantra) to the rubes, er, users of the service, that bothers me. It’s all a little shady, a little hucksterish, for my tastes. It lacks the ‘fully informed consent’ that I like, & that is supposed to be one of the primary shared values of out-&-organized kink ‘community’ (such as that is).

What I’d like to see is highly unlikely, given that whole built-in business-based conflict of interest previously mentioned, but I’d like to see something more like:

  • "Hey, by posting content to FetLife you expose yourself to anyone who opens a free account here. We’d like if it were just us kinksters, but those after the lulz may access large amounts of the content our users post any time they want & post it anywhere on the internet & there’s not a heck of a lot we can do to stop that. We do try to clean up messes after they happen, but we can’t keep the messes from happening.’

This sorta ‘privacy disclaimer’ would seem to do a lot more good than that endless page of gobbledy-gook they’ve got, the one that slyly implies much greater ‘security’, ‘privacy’, & etc than TeamFL (or pretty much any commercial entity) is capable of delivering. Here, another suggested ‘privacy warning for FL’:

  • "Here’s the thing, fellow FetLifers, this being the internet & all, there’s really nothing we can do to stop the /b/tards from 4chan, the lulz chasers from SomethingAwful, or worse coming along & mining this place for material. We’ll stop it when we find it, but if it’s going to bother you or be a problem to have that kind of thing happen, you should keep your contributions to a minimum. & keep in mind that there may very well be a ‘People of Walmart’ type [private] mailing list out there that’s showcasing FL’s specialness right this moment."

But I think FL mgmt is way more concerned with keeping the picture- & video-posting tap fully open rather than slow any of that info disgorgement down at all . … . ..

This is the second SomethingAwful thread poking fun of FetLife content.

Here’s the take-down letter FL honchos sent to Something Awful, as reposted by SA somebodies (???). I particularly note this bit:

…3) Please never make fun of the site http://www.fetlife.com, I repeat, the site http://www.fetlife.com. Don’t do it now or ever. http://www.fetlife.com

Chasing around the internet in pursuit of squashing out the making-fun-of-FL’ers strikes me as a full time job & a half. Sounds like it might be pretty sucky to be FL mgmt, frankly, since they’re committed to enabling the many naive types wandering around FL, thinking that FL is ‘safe’, ‘secure’, ‘private’, ‘protected’, ‘just us kinksters’, & similar.