The Cautious Kinkster

If you feel violated or abused by me, I welcome being called out in public. I will answer for what happened and take responsibility for my actions.

Victims and survivors of abuse deserve the chance to confront their attackers openly and with the support of the kink community behind them. Even years later.

Those on the other side deserve a chance to publicly take responsibility for their actions. They deserve a chance to change.

Dominants, tops, or anyone else who holds power over another -- tell the world that supporting victims and survivors is more important than a fear of false accusations. It will only cost a small fraction of ones privilege.


"I _have_ been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence." -- Turanga Leela, Futurama


I'm the Demon, Kia. I write & comment about lots of stuff.
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I also contribute to the Free Open Society Project:

Minion applications now accepted. Also seeking muse & amanuensis. Must be willing to wear a pink uniform. Probably leotard-based uniforms.











This is so beautiful.

what the actual fuck.
are we shitting on this guy because he wanted to go and just talk to a girl. I mean yeah, this is a clear intentional overreaction for the sake of comedy. but are girls really like “ear buds are awesome for defending against asshole guys bugging me.”
I didn’t realize someone walking up to you to say hi made them an asshole or meant they were trying to get into your pants, my apologies.

There’ve been a few of these comments, so I’ll just address this one real quick: nobody’s shitting on anyone (despite the rather graphic claims of the clearly intentionally overreacting dude who posted this). We - as in women - are sharing a profound truth about social interactions while being in public. Namely, that the overwhelming majority of times that men (not “someone,” men) walk up to us to say hi, they are trying to get into our pants. And this is based on experience. This is not based on us being full of ourselves. This is not based on one bad interaction amidst a plethora of good ones. This is us saying, “we’ve had numerous interactions in public with men we do not know, and we’ve decided that the number of times that we have a nice, pleasant conversation does not outweigh the number of times we have had a gross or unpleasant conversation. So we’ve decided to take steps to put up boundaries rather than risk the gross or unpleasant conversations.”

I mean, go and read through the reblogs of this - women talk about men who have literally ripped the earbuds out of these women’s ears in order to ask them their names, or to “just say hi.” Do you really think that men who do this are just being friendly? Then why don’t we hear about this happening to men from women invading their space and bothering them? Why don’t we hear men complaining about other men doing it, or women complaining about other women doing it? Doesn’t the fact that these experiences are all going one way - that they are all women talking about the times that men have done this to them - register with you at all?

And do you really think all the women who are, in your view, shitting on this guy are doing so out of some bizarre desire to be mean? Or is it possible that they are recognizing a type of man that they have had numerous run-ins with and have learned to defend themselves against, and they are happy to hear that their defense is working? Is it just barely possible that women are laughing at this man because they are glad to see a confirmation of what they’ve long suspected, which is that male strangers approach them, it’s rarely out of a genuine friendliness but rather a desire to fuck her?

Because heres’ the thing: you’re pretending that all this guy wanted to do was “just talk to a girl,” but that’s total bullshit based on what the poster actually said - he has a crush on her, he was planning a “cold approach,” he was angry enough at being prevented to write a very badly-written rant about it. He did, in fact, want into her pants. And a woman has every right to shut that down at whatever stage she damn well pleases.

Also, if this guy was going for comedy, he deserves to be made fun of for being such a shitty comedian.

Its rants like this that make nice guys scared to approach women. Women wonder why actual nice guys never ask them out, here’s why, we’re terrified of being lumped in with the assholes who ask you out, stop assuming all men want the same thing, its not a majority of men, its a majority of men who are ballsy enough to approach. And why do the nice guys never approach, just when we work up the nerve to ask you out, youve gone and ranted about how all guys wanna do is fuck you. And we lose our nerve again.

OK listen close here, because you’re not getting it. If. You. Want. To. Hit. On. A. Complete. Stranger. Based. On. The. Fact. That. You. Think. She. Is. Attractive. Without. Knowing. Anything. Else. About. Her. Then. You. Are. Not. A. Nice. Guy. And. You. Are. In. Fact. One. Of. Those. Assholes.

Maybe. I’d. Like. To. Get. To. Know. Her? Maybe. I’m. Not. Just. Trying. To. Fuck. Her? MAYBE. I’m. Willing. To. Take. A. Chance. On. A. Stranger?

And that’s the WHOLE PROBLEM, because you expect your willingness to take a chance on a female stranger to be the end of the debate. You’re completely ignoring the fact that women get to decide whether they want to take a chance on a male stranger - and you’re also being incredibly dishonest about what “take a chance” means for men and women. For you, “take a chance” means “risk that my sexual interest in this woman will not lead to a relationship.”
For that woman you’re asking out, “take a chance” for a woman involves weighing the risk that you will beat, rape, assault, or kill her.
This conversation isn’t happening in some mythical land where rape and assault never happens, or happens to all genders equally. This is the real world, where women (both cis and trans, btw) are at a disproportionate risk of violence from men. And we have been taught over and over and over again that if men are violent towards us, often we will be blamed for it. So while you’re deciding if you want to date the barista at your coffee shop, she’s deciding if turning you down will mean that you’ll throw that hot coffee she just poured for you in her face.
Approaching a woman you don’t know and asking her out right away is a huge red flag, because by asking for a date without any other information about her, you have indicated a number of things:
  1. you think your sexual interest in her entitles you to find out more about her and determine whether or not you are interested in her as a person
  2. you do not think of her as a threat in any way; of the two of you, you believe yourself to be the more powerful person, and thus you are risking very little by starting a relationship with a stranger
  3. you believe the onus should be on her to refuse, even though you have given her no reason to believe you will accept refusal gracefully, because
  4. you are willing to break the social contract (that being that people leave each other alone in public places) merely because you are sexually attracted to her
So with all that in mind, she has to decide whether or not to agree to a date with you, a man she doesn’t know. And as a bonus, she gets to draw on her entire experience as a woman who has been in this situation before, and can compare men who have done similar things and recall how they have behaved. In the majority of cases, men who approach female strangers in public settings in order to ask them out behave badly. So why should she believe that you’re any different? What evidence does she have that you will be safe to be around?
The reason nice guys don’t ask women out like this is because they’re nice guys - genuinely nice guys - who understand that there are many, many different ways to meet women and date and form relationships. They’re not scared by rants like this; they agree with them.

I’ll just leave this here:

wait but

Women wonder why actual nice guys never ask them out

They don’t tho. They really just don’t.

For that matter, actually nice guys don’t have trouble getting dates. If you’re a nice guy then presumably you’d—

oh what’s that? You’re not actually nice? You’re a slut-shaming rape apologist?

Oh I didn’t realize that you intended to capitalize Nice Guy. Now I understand.

…attacking women who are defenseless makes it less likely that a perpetrator will be apprehended or experience any consequences as a result of his actions. These men are the ultimate opportunists. What might also come into play are negative stereotypes about women who drink. Other research has shown that women who drink are often seen as more sexually available than women who do not drink. They may also be seen in generally negative or derogatory ways — as sluts, unfeminine, or generally not worthy of respect — which may provide an excuse for attacking women sexually.”

Given that staff rarely intervened, suggesting that this is normative and generally accepted behavior in bars, both Graham and Norris had suggestions for changes that could be made at a bar level.

"It may help to avoid having male security staff who particularly endorse masculinity norms and asserting identity," said Graham.

"Signs can also be posted in the bar and restrooms indicating that ‘bad’ behavior, complete with examples, will not be tolerated and that perpetrators will have to leave the premises," said Norris. "A necessary component of this approach is to train staff to intervene: first, a warning, but if the behavior persists, the person will be asked or forced to leave. Men have to be given clear messages that there will be consequences for this type of behavior if we expect men to change. Conversely, the onus should not be placed on women for ‘preventing’ sexual assault. That said, women can often reduce their risk by clearly and firmly letting a man know that his behavior is not wanted or appreciated or seen as acceptable as soon as he commits an unwanted sexual act." Graham added that women can also vote with their feet by refusing to frequent establishments where sexual aggression is highly invasive or frequent.

Changes also need to occur at a societal level, added Norris. “There need to be clear messages to men about the inappropriateness of any type of sexual aggression. In addition, women need to learn to overcome messages they may have received early in life about being deferential or not wanting to cause embarrassment or ‘create a scene.’ Women need to be taught to stand up for themselves, to recognize that a sexually aggressive man is someone who has a problem and the onus should be placed on him to stop his unacceptable behavior.”

Accountability. Transparency. A responsible kink ‘community’ should know the whys & wherefores of who stays & who leaves. Knowledge is power, & here’s a data collection tool to help towards that end … .

…That contextualises my experiences with kink. I find it difficult to really be able to exchange power with someone who only understands the operations of power when it involves their personal sexual gratification. I find myself throwing a very critical eye towards individuals who desire power exchanges that mirror or reflect real life oppressive structures or manage to reinforce their own privilege even unintentionally. The personal IS political. Not only do our desires exist outside of a vacuum of critique, but our social interaction with individuals both in and outside of the bedroom matter. I wish there was some way to take the positive aspects of what I see developing within kink concerning power exchange and the respect of the autonomy of individuals outside of the bedroom and into daily interactions. Until then, I’m going to think critically not just about whether or not someone I give my power to respects my safe words, but whether or not they respect ALL of my words.
…Cuomo’s attempt to use suggestions of sexual deviance to bully Knox follows in a long tradition of public entitlement to scrutinize and judge female sexuality. The recent string of highly publicized sexual assaults has exposed how the media weaves narratives in which “drunk party girls” get what they deserve. Meanwhile, comprehensive sex education is stifled in many conservative states lest children become too comfortable with their sexuality….

I told my niece one time, and I stole it from I don’t remember where, “if a guy offers to buy you a drink and you say no, and he pesters you until you say okay, what he wants for his money is to find out if you can be talked out of no.” 

I don’t get pictures of strangers’ genitals in my inbox, but lots of women I know do.  It’s common in some dating sites and apps, and the ubiquity of the cockshot on Fetlife spawns its own breeds and strains of jokes.  And the joke is that they are famously NOT HOT.  I’m not talking about people trading pictures when they know each other, or are in the process of getting to know each other.  I’m talking about the unsolicited stranger cockshot.  If it is so famously not going to arouse the recipient (I know zero women who have ever said they were aroused by an unsolicited stranger’s cock pic), then how in the world would it be a good strategy?  Why do it?

Here’s my hypothesis:  What this guy was trying to do was not to arouse the recipient or get her to react to his attractiveness.  It was to see how she would react to a boundary violation.

Suppose he was just trying to show her how hot he was.  Well, then, he could have asked.  If he really wanted to know if she wanted to see a picture of him full-frontal nude, he could have just said, “Hi, I like your profile and you’re really hot. I have nude pics available. Not to brag, but I’m a pretty athletic guy and I think I have a nice cock. Want to see?” And if she said yes, it’s pretty likely that it’s because she actually wanted to see him naked. In addition, this approach would have the salutary effects of showing an awareness of boundaries and allowing her some say in the way the interaction unfolded.  If he starts with the idea that she might be taken with his physical offering and want to have sex with him, that’s sort of an obviously superior strategy. 

So why didn’t he do that? Possibly because it would not have answered the question he wanted the answer to.  I think the question he wanted an answer to was “if I’m wildly inappropriate, how will you respond?”

The unsolicited cockshot is coercive from the start.  By the time she thinks, “I really didn’t want to see that,” she’s already seen it.  She can then:

(1) just ignore him;

(2) call him on his inappropriateness;

(3) play along and humor him.

This woman went with #2, in spectacular fashion, which didn’t go well for him.  But there’s social pressure, basically from birth, to caretake men’s feelings and not make a fuss or be aggressive.  I think overtly assertive responses are rare and some sort of noncommittal response to these pics are pretty common.

Note what he does after she tells him it’s unwanted.  If the purpose were to show off his physical assets in the hope that she’d be interested, one would expect his reply to her reaction to be some sort of apology.  But that’s not how he reacts.  Instead, he tries four times to talk her out of her stated boundaries.  He asks if it’s too big.  He tells her to “relax.”  Then he calls her “prude.”  These are sort of the classic tropes used to attack women for expressing boundaries or calling out sexism: Frigid, uptight, humorless, prudish….


So, I left the internet for 24 hours, to give myself a breather. 

In the time that happened, this went up:

Oh and this happened

For those of you without a Fetlife?

I’m a newblet. This I know, I am aware, and I bow before (okay, at least a respectful head nod) to those that know more, with longer years of practice and education.

I am well aware I do not know the internal workings of Shibaricon, of the people who work there, and am only slowly getting to know some of the people on this list.

The things I’m scratching my head at?

  • Who the fuck lets a guy with multiple consent violations, or at least allegations thereof, teach?
  • Who the fuck lets a guy with multiple consent violations (or allegations) teach bottoms? 
  • Who the fucks lets a guy with multiple consent violations (or allegations) teach bottoms stupid fucking lack of consent, safety or awareness of even basic things like hydration?

I am new. I am aware of this. But I’m also in my body. I’m a dancer. I’m a musician. I do dynamic fucking suspension, and am learning things like aerial silks. What does that mean? I know my damn body, I know what it needs, and I am aware that all of these things require a certain amount of self care, such as, say, hydration. 

I do not know said presenter in question myself. I did not go to the class he presented. But presenting dangerous misinformation such as not needing to hydrate, or be physically in your body?

To not use CONSENT or emphasize it’s importance, in a community that’s validation to exist, practically, is the fact we are aware and respectful of consent? In fact, to brush that off?

That, in case you could not tell from this frothing at the mouth rant, makes me incredibly angry.

I am new. But this is my community. 

What else have I noticed about this?

This hit K&P with the Shibaricon Concerns posts:

These are posts I have seen increasingly, more and more over the last year. Of people popping up, with more harassment, more violations of consent, and it scares the living fuck out of me, as someone who has had her consent ignored on multiple levels, by multiple people.

The thing I am going to beat until I am blue in the face, that I said already in this post?

Our little subculture, of events and things like Shibaricon, from leathers to rope alike?

Our little subculture exists on the validation that we respect consent, and do not abuse it (and yes, that includes things like abusing people who volunteer for events), because WIIWD are things that people are consenting to. That we are in fact not sick in the head (or if we are, we are in this together) but in fact in want of the things we do, and negotiate around.

I am new. And I have a small voice, that will probably not be heard. But if you don’t respect the basic fact of that consent, which is a problem ongoing? 

Get the hell off my blog.

…HPV affects most sexually active people at some stage in their life, but is usually fought off by the immune system without causing harm. It is only on rare occasions that the virus “takes hold”, eventually leading to cancer.

Some 15 strains of HPV can cause cervical cancer. The most common of these, HPV-16, can also cause oral cancer, though it is not clear how often.

It is also not clear how HPV can end up in the mouth, although some case control studies have suggested it may be through oral sex.

A study released this weekend said there is no need for patients who have developed cancer from an oral HPV infection to refrain from sex with their spouses or long-term partners.

The study found that the spouses of patients with oral cancer caused by HPV did not have a significantly higher risk of developing the disease than the general population….

…The culture tells us to look at the surface. If we want to revoke rapists’ social license to operate, we have to learn to look for different things. Because they don’t wear hats that say, “Rapist.” They hang out in the back yard, work on their car and eat some ribs with the neighbors. Just like they were normal. Even while they have captives in their homes….

…The fact that these men felt they were doing nothing wrong is precisely the problem. The fact that for generations, men of all ages have felt able to use and abuse the bodies of women and children for their own entertainment is the problem, and the fact that our culture legitimises this approach is a bigger problem. 

For centuries, men in positions of power were untouchable, while women and children were anything but. One simply could not call a man like Jimmy Savile or Stuart Hall to account for his actions and expect to be taken seriously. One could not accuse a popular football player of rape and expect justice.  These things went on, but they went on in silence, with the complicity and of quiet armies of flunkies and facilitators.

The reason that these “old men” are being prosecuted – sorry, “persecuted” – right now is simple. They are being prosecuted because their victims are finally coming forward, and their victims are finally coming forward because society has reached a tipping point when it comes to rape culture. 

Rape culture, for those who still require an explanation, is the cultural tolerance of rape and sexual assault. It’s the idea that people who are raped must have in some way provoked it, and I know from experience that it can take years for victims to understand that it is men’s responsibility not to rape. It’s an old prejudice, embedded in our institutions, in our police forces and judiciary systems, in political parties and in public organisations like the BBC. It also infects the tabloid and broadsheet press, who have changed their tune in recent weeks only because the process of consciousness-raising is panic-inducing, and there’s nothing the media loves more than a good panic. 

Right now, though, things are changing, and men and boys and those who love and respect men and boys are going to have to shift the way they think about rape, abuse and harrassment – fast. The most important attitude change is going to take place not among abusers, but among the far larger contingent who simply stand by and let it happen. Among the people who have been taught, or learned from hard experience, that these things are simply part of the tissue of power in this society, perhaps not strictly moral, but not worth taking the risk of speaking out about. They’re only women, after all, and they were probably asking for it.

For many, many generations, women and children were told: don’t let yourself get raped, and if you do, for god’s sake don’t whinge about it. Don’t act like a slut. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t ever assume for a second that you have the same right as a man to exist in public or private space without fear of assault and humiliation. That message is slowly, finally, starting to change, so that instead, we’re telling men and boys: do not rape. Do not grope, assault, bully or hurt women, children or anyone over whom you have temporary power. Doing so will no longer increase your social status. If you do it anyway, you will find yourself publicly shamed and possibly up on criminal charges. This is the age of the internet, and nobody forgets….