The Cautious Kinkster

If you feel violated or abused by me, I welcome being called out in public. I will answer for what happened and take responsibility for my actions.

Victims and survivors of abuse deserve the chance to confront their attackers openly and with the support of the kink community behind them. Even years later.

Those on the other side deserve a chance to publicly take responsibility for their actions. They deserve a chance to change.

Dominants, tops, or anyone else who holds power over another -- tell the world that supporting victims and survivors is more important than a fear of false accusations. It will only cost a small fraction of ones privilege.


"I _have_ been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence." -- Turanga Leela, Futurama


I'm the Demon, Kia. I write & comment about lots of stuff.
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I also contribute to the Free Open Society Project:

Minion applications now accepted. Also seeking muse & amanuensis. Must be willing to wear a pink uniform. Probably leotard-based uniforms.
Recent Tweets @

…attacking women who are defenseless makes it less likely that a perpetrator will be apprehended or experience any consequences as a result of his actions. These men are the ultimate opportunists. What might also come into play are negative stereotypes about women who drink. Other research has shown that women who drink are often seen as more sexually available than women who do not drink. They may also be seen in generally negative or derogatory ways — as sluts, unfeminine, or generally not worthy of respect — which may provide an excuse for attacking women sexually.”

Given that staff rarely intervened, suggesting that this is normative and generally accepted behavior in bars, both Graham and Norris had suggestions for changes that could be made at a bar level.

"It may help to avoid having male security staff who particularly endorse masculinity norms and asserting identity," said Graham.

"Signs can also be posted in the bar and restrooms indicating that ‘bad’ behavior, complete with examples, will not be tolerated and that perpetrators will have to leave the premises," said Norris. "A necessary component of this approach is to train staff to intervene: first, a warning, but if the behavior persists, the person will be asked or forced to leave. Men have to be given clear messages that there will be consequences for this type of behavior if we expect men to change. Conversely, the onus should not be placed on women for ‘preventing’ sexual assault. That said, women can often reduce their risk by clearly and firmly letting a man know that his behavior is not wanted or appreciated or seen as acceptable as soon as he commits an unwanted sexual act." Graham added that women can also vote with their feet by refusing to frequent establishments where sexual aggression is highly invasive or frequent.

Changes also need to occur at a societal level, added Norris. “There need to be clear messages to men about the inappropriateness of any type of sexual aggression. In addition, women need to learn to overcome messages they may have received early in life about being deferential or not wanting to cause embarrassment or ‘create a scene.’ Women need to be taught to stand up for themselves, to recognize that a sexually aggressive man is someone who has a problem and the onus should be placed on him to stop his unacceptable behavior.”

Accountability. Transparency. A responsible kink ‘community’ should know the whys & wherefores of who stays & who leaves. Knowledge is power, & here’s a data collection tool to help towards that end … .

…That contextualises my experiences with kink. I find it difficult to really be able to exchange power with someone who only understands the operations of power when it involves their personal sexual gratification. I find myself throwing a very critical eye towards individuals who desire power exchanges that mirror or reflect real life oppressive structures or manage to reinforce their own privilege even unintentionally. The personal IS political. Not only do our desires exist outside of a vacuum of critique, but our social interaction with individuals both in and outside of the bedroom matter. I wish there was some way to take the positive aspects of what I see developing within kink concerning power exchange and the respect of the autonomy of individuals outside of the bedroom and into daily interactions. Until then, I’m going to think critically not just about whether or not someone I give my power to respects my safe words, but whether or not they respect ALL of my words.
…Cuomo’s attempt to use suggestions of sexual deviance to bully Knox follows in a long tradition of public entitlement to scrutinize and judge female sexuality. The recent string of highly publicized sexual assaults has exposed how the media weaves narratives in which “drunk party girls” get what they deserve. Meanwhile, comprehensive sex education is stifled in many conservative states lest children become too comfortable with their sexuality….

I told my niece one time, and I stole it from I don’t remember where, “if a guy offers to buy you a drink and you say no, and he pesters you until you say okay, what he wants for his money is to find out if you can be talked out of no.” 

I don’t get pictures of strangers’ genitals in my inbox, but lots of women I know do.  It’s common in some dating sites and apps, and the ubiquity of the cockshot on Fetlife spawns its own breeds and strains of jokes.  And the joke is that they are famously NOT HOT.  I’m not talking about people trading pictures when they know each other, or are in the process of getting to know each other.  I’m talking about the unsolicited stranger cockshot.  If it is so famously not going to arouse the recipient (I know zero women who have ever said they were aroused by an unsolicited stranger’s cock pic), then how in the world would it be a good strategy?  Why do it?

Here’s my hypothesis:  What this guy was trying to do was not to arouse the recipient or get her to react to his attractiveness.  It was to see how she would react to a boundary violation.

Suppose he was just trying to show her how hot he was.  Well, then, he could have asked.  If he really wanted to know if she wanted to see a picture of him full-frontal nude, he could have just said, “Hi, I like your profile and you’re really hot. I have nude pics available. Not to brag, but I’m a pretty athletic guy and I think I have a nice cock. Want to see?” And if she said yes, it’s pretty likely that it’s because she actually wanted to see him naked. In addition, this approach would have the salutary effects of showing an awareness of boundaries and allowing her some say in the way the interaction unfolded.  If he starts with the idea that she might be taken with his physical offering and want to have sex with him, that’s sort of an obviously superior strategy. 

So why didn’t he do that? Possibly because it would not have answered the question he wanted the answer to.  I think the question he wanted an answer to was “if I’m wildly inappropriate, how will you respond?”

The unsolicited cockshot is coercive from the start.  By the time she thinks, “I really didn’t want to see that,” she’s already seen it.  She can then:

(1) just ignore him;

(2) call him on his inappropriateness;

(3) play along and humor him.

This woman went with #2, in spectacular fashion, which didn’t go well for him.  But there’s social pressure, basically from birth, to caretake men’s feelings and not make a fuss or be aggressive.  I think overtly assertive responses are rare and some sort of noncommittal response to these pics are pretty common.

Note what he does after she tells him it’s unwanted.  If the purpose were to show off his physical assets in the hope that she’d be interested, one would expect his reply to her reaction to be some sort of apology.  But that’s not how he reacts.  Instead, he tries four times to talk her out of her stated boundaries.  He asks if it’s too big.  He tells her to “relax.”  Then he calls her “prude.”  These are sort of the classic tropes used to attack women for expressing boundaries or calling out sexism: Frigid, uptight, humorless, prudish….


So, I left the internet for 24 hours, to give myself a breather. 

In the time that happened, this went up:

Oh and this happened

For those of you without a Fetlife?

I’m a newblet. This I know, I am aware, and I bow before (okay, at least a respectful head nod) to those that know more, with longer years of practice and education.

I am well aware I do not know the internal workings of Shibaricon, of the people who work there, and am only slowly getting to know some of the people on this list.

The things I’m scratching my head at?

  • Who the fuck lets a guy with multiple consent violations, or at least allegations thereof, teach?
  • Who the fuck lets a guy with multiple consent violations (or allegations) teach bottoms? 
  • Who the fucks lets a guy with multiple consent violations (or allegations) teach bottoms stupid fucking lack of consent, safety or awareness of even basic things like hydration?

I am new. I am aware of this. But I’m also in my body. I’m a dancer. I’m a musician. I do dynamic fucking suspension, and am learning things like aerial silks. What does that mean? I know my damn body, I know what it needs, and I am aware that all of these things require a certain amount of self care, such as, say, hydration. 

I do not know said presenter in question myself. I did not go to the class he presented. But presenting dangerous misinformation such as not needing to hydrate, or be physically in your body?

To not use CONSENT or emphasize it’s importance, in a community that’s validation to exist, practically, is the fact we are aware and respectful of consent? In fact, to brush that off?

That, in case you could not tell from this frothing at the mouth rant, makes me incredibly angry.

I am new. But this is my community. 

What else have I noticed about this?

This hit K&P with the Shibaricon Concerns posts:

These are posts I have seen increasingly, more and more over the last year. Of people popping up, with more harassment, more violations of consent, and it scares the living fuck out of me, as someone who has had her consent ignored on multiple levels, by multiple people.

The thing I am going to beat until I am blue in the face, that I said already in this post?

Our little subculture, of events and things like Shibaricon, from leathers to rope alike?

Our little subculture exists on the validation that we respect consent, and do not abuse it (and yes, that includes things like abusing people who volunteer for events), because WIIWD are things that people are consenting to. That we are in fact not sick in the head (or if we are, we are in this together) but in fact in want of the things we do, and negotiate around.

I am new. And I have a small voice, that will probably not be heard. But if you don’t respect the basic fact of that consent, which is a problem ongoing? 

Get the hell off my blog.

…HPV affects most sexually active people at some stage in their life, but is usually fought off by the immune system without causing harm. It is only on rare occasions that the virus “takes hold”, eventually leading to cancer.

Some 15 strains of HPV can cause cervical cancer. The most common of these, HPV-16, can also cause oral cancer, though it is not clear how often.

It is also not clear how HPV can end up in the mouth, although some case control studies have suggested it may be through oral sex.

A study released this weekend said there is no need for patients who have developed cancer from an oral HPV infection to refrain from sex with their spouses or long-term partners.

The study found that the spouses of patients with oral cancer caused by HPV did not have a significantly higher risk of developing the disease than the general population….

…The culture tells us to look at the surface. If we want to revoke rapists’ social license to operate, we have to learn to look for different things. Because they don’t wear hats that say, “Rapist.” They hang out in the back yard, work on their car and eat some ribs with the neighbors. Just like they were normal. Even while they have captives in their homes….

…The fact that these men felt they were doing nothing wrong is precisely the problem. The fact that for generations, men of all ages have felt able to use and abuse the bodies of women and children for their own entertainment is the problem, and the fact that our culture legitimises this approach is a bigger problem. 

For centuries, men in positions of power were untouchable, while women and children were anything but. One simply could not call a man like Jimmy Savile or Stuart Hall to account for his actions and expect to be taken seriously. One could not accuse a popular football player of rape and expect justice.  These things went on, but they went on in silence, with the complicity and of quiet armies of flunkies and facilitators.

The reason that these “old men” are being prosecuted – sorry, “persecuted” – right now is simple. They are being prosecuted because their victims are finally coming forward, and their victims are finally coming forward because society has reached a tipping point when it comes to rape culture. 

Rape culture, for those who still require an explanation, is the cultural tolerance of rape and sexual assault. It’s the idea that people who are raped must have in some way provoked it, and I know from experience that it can take years for victims to understand that it is men’s responsibility not to rape. It’s an old prejudice, embedded in our institutions, in our police forces and judiciary systems, in political parties and in public organisations like the BBC. It also infects the tabloid and broadsheet press, who have changed their tune in recent weeks only because the process of consciousness-raising is panic-inducing, and there’s nothing the media loves more than a good panic. 

Right now, though, things are changing, and men and boys and those who love and respect men and boys are going to have to shift the way they think about rape, abuse and harrassment – fast. The most important attitude change is going to take place not among abusers, but among the far larger contingent who simply stand by and let it happen. Among the people who have been taught, or learned from hard experience, that these things are simply part of the tissue of power in this society, perhaps not strictly moral, but not worth taking the risk of speaking out about. They’re only women, after all, and they were probably asking for it.

For many, many generations, women and children were told: don’t let yourself get raped, and if you do, for god’s sake don’t whinge about it. Don’t act like a slut. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t ever assume for a second that you have the same right as a man to exist in public or private space without fear of assault and humiliation. That message is slowly, finally, starting to change, so that instead, we’re telling men and boys: do not rape. Do not grope, assault, bully or hurt women, children or anyone over whom you have temporary power. Doing so will no longer increase your social status. If you do it anyway, you will find yourself publicly shamed and possibly up on criminal charges. This is the age of the internet, and nobody forgets….

…FetLife wants you to believe their walled garden is safe, but not only can anyone create an account in seconds, the walls themselves are full of holes. The security problems with FetLife were put on display when last summer, a simple proxy connection service was set up to allow access to the site without an account. FetLife responded by trying to block the server and assure everyone that the bad person had been stopped, without actually fixing the security holes. This preference for spin over reality is commonplace at FetLife and its allies. For example, I tried to talk to Alan, Esq., one of the leaders of the NCSF, at CatalystCon in March about the FAADE tool. Instead, he went off on a rant about this supposed hack and how fishy a person Maymay was, and loudly declared he had no idea why Maymay did what he did. Really, I said? Because Maymay has been very transparent about it on his blog. It quickly became apparent that Alan had no idea what I was talking about, no any desire to educate himself.[3] Let’s be real. Maymay did this with the express purpose of showing that FetLife was insecure, all the while live-tweeting the event. This is how people who work to expose security flaws so they can be fixed operate, not how hackers opperate. But don’t take my word for it:

“Nobody ‘hacked’ FetLife,” says Yonatan Zunger, chief architect of Google’s social network Google Plus, when we explain the situation. “No locks were picked; someone simply noticed that FetLife never locked the door in the first place.”…